It's (Past) Time to Raise the Bar

Why aren’t more people marrying?

That was the topic of a New York Times article by journalist Anna Louie Sussman in 2023.

I’ve wanted to respond for a while but really needed to do a bit of research prior.

So Anna, let me tell you my opinion about why women aren’t finding good men to marry.

Let’s talk about the slow, quiet shift that no one really wants to admit out loud:

Women are expecting less …

Period.

And men….

Well to be honest…

They are just are opting out.

Ya know- like see ya later alligator.

Not because love is dead or romance is canceled — but because something deeper (and weirder) is happening.

We’re in a cultural moment where the dating pool feels more like a kiddie pool, and the bar for partnership is buried somewhere between “he texted back” and “he’s not actively ruining my life.”

Why are women expecting less you may ask?

Well….

It’s because they’re tired.

Because they’ve been told not to be “too much” or “too picky.” Because every time they had standards, someone called them high maintenance. And because unfortunately, many learned that if you want something — companionship, attention, even half-hearted affection — you have to make yourself smaller and settle for less.

It’s not just emotional labor anymore — it’s emotional bargain shopping where women are negotiating trauma like it's on clearance.

Meanwhile …

Why aren’t men marrying?

Well, depending on who you ask, it’s everything from “the decline of tradition” to “why buy the cow when you can scroll Tinder.”

But at the root of it, there’s a growing number of men who either don’t see the value in marriage, don’t feel equipped for it, or are just burnt to the crisp from the last relationship.

Commitment is scary when emotional availability isn’t in the starter pack.

And if women are starting to ask for less, and men are still backing away, then we’ve got a whole generation quietly ghosting the institution of marriage while doom-scrolling relationship memes.

But hey, if many are confused together, maybe there’s hope.

So now what?

We joke, we swipe, and we lower expectations like we’re training for the Olympic limbo finals- gold medal in disappointment management.

And deep down, a lot of people still want connection — they just don’t know how to find it in a world that rewards detachment, fear, and ironically … endless options.

Go figure …

But maybe — just maybe — we’re not as jaded as we pretend to be.

Maybe all it takes is one person brave enough to say, “I actually want more than casual chaos and mutual ghosting and a relationship that is going nowhere.”

“I want connection. I want real.”

Because here’s the truth.

(Well, maybe not the holiest of grails “kind of truth” but more like my own opinion kind of truth.)

Women aren’t asking for too much.

Nope.

Actually quite the opposite.

They’re just tired of asking for the bare minimum and still getting less.

And men…

If you’re not ready to build something, at least be honest up front about it.

Marriage isn’t dying. It’s just waiting for its come back.

So what’s it going to take to raise the bar again?

Let’s be honest — the bar isn’t just low.

It’s buried somewhere deep in the earth’s crust, spooning accountability and ghosting habits.

But if we actually want to change the way modern relationships look, if we want better partnerships, healthier dating, and real connection, then it’s time to raise that bar like our emotional lives depend on it.

Because honestly?

They kinda do.

For starters, women need to remember they are the bar. And not in a “do everything, be everything” kind of way. But in the sense that they get to set the standard.

For too long, women have been told that asking for the basics — communication, consistency, clarity — is “too much.” That having needs is needy. But what if we flipped that?

What if “too much” is actually just enough, and being “low maintenance” is code for chronically overlooked?

Asking for effort isn’t demanding. It’s called having self-respect.

At the same time, men have to do the inner work.

Not just talk about growth or reposting motivational quotes about “grind mindsets” and “high value energy” — but actually learn to sit with discomfort, take accountability, and show up emotionally.

You can deadlift 200 pounds, boo, but can you carry a conversation about feelings without spontaneously combusting?

The new flex isn’t stoicism. It’s self-awareness.

We also need to normalize healthy expectations again. We’ve gotten so obsessed with being “low drama” and “chill girl” that people now think having boundaries is aggressive.

Needing communication isn’t a red flag.

It's called being a functioning adult.

We need to stop acting like expecting basic emotional self care is asking for too much, when it should be the starting line.

And this isn’t a one-gender job.

The bar only raises when we all raise it together — no more competitive finger-pointing, no more passive “it’s just how dating is now.”

Culture shifts when people collectively stop settling, start speaking up, and model relationships that don’t require emotional acrobatics to survive.

We’re not here to be rehab centers for people who refuse to grow or commit. Loyalty shouldn’t mean surviving dysfunction in the name of “love.”

If the relationship feels like a full-time job and you’re not even getting dental, it’s time to clock out.

At the end of the day, the bar rises when we all stop being impressed by the bare minimum.

Effort is attractive.

Emotional maturity is attractive.

Being present, self-aware, and consistent is attractive.

Honestly, that’s hotter than a six-pack and a verified checkmark combined.

We don’t need perfection — we need partnership. Real, messy, evolving, intentional connection. So yes, the bar can rise again. But it starts with us refusing to step over it to avoid being alone.

Women need to stop accepting scraps when in reality they deserve the table, the meal, and truthfully, the chef’s cell phone number.

That’s my Reveal.

Love,

Karin